  My first faith memories were of being angry at God. My father died when I was young. I was seven. I
remember being very angry with God for letting it happen. Dad had cut his
hand on the slicer at the family’s restaurant. He developed a blood
clot and a week later it went through his heart. I was the youngest of
five and I was devastated.His funeral was at the First Christian Church of Lawton, Oklahoma.
The first time I heard "The Old Rugged Cross," was at his funeral.
It has been a long while since, but I still hate that song.
I grew up working at the restaurant and staying out of trouble for the
most part. My church attendance was sporadic. I would be there every
Sunday for a year and then miss for six months. I was baptized at 13. All
my friends were baptized at 12 but I just couldn’t go with the crowd.
Baptism meant I got very wet going completely under the water. Then
sometimes folks put on new clothes as a sign of the new life they have in
Christ.
But when I was dry, I didn’t feel any different. I wondered if
this meant that my faith wasn’t right or if somehow the baptism didn’t
take. Sometimes I even wondered if any of this really mattered.
Several years later, I had the idea
that I should become a minister. I don’t know where it came from because
I was drifting. I did not pray very much except for a big test or a big
date. I never read the bible and many Christians upset me doing things
just for show.
I talked to my pastor about
becoming a minister. He must have been very discouraged himself for his
response was, "Why in the world would you do that?" After this I
let the notion go.
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In college, ideas were free.
Thoughts of all kinds were percolating.
It was a small church school but
with lots of international students. There were atheists and agnostics,
Catholics and Moslems, Hindu and Lutherans, and a few Methodists sprinkled
in for good measure. Most of the students, however, came from a Christian
Church background. I went to the school because it was small, comfortable
and out of town. It was the only school that cared if I attended and they
gave me a little scholarship. |
I learned to drink and cuss. Church
was very far away. I went every Sunday my first semester and then maybe
once a year after that just to keep my mother happy when I was home.
My friend, Phil, started trying to
get me to go to Atlanta, Georgia when I was a freshman. He wanted me to be
a summer-intern at Peachtree Christian Church. He thought it would help me
decide to become a minister. I told him he was nuts, because of course he
was!
I loved discussing philosophy
because doubting was allowed and by then I was good at doubting. My
philosophy teacher pushed ideas. Whatever your position, he was good at
flipping it over to show you its weakness.
My faith was tissue thin. I wanted
to help people, but I didn’t have a clue what to do. So I studied
sociology which was a great field of study at my little college. We had
small classes and two dynamic professors. I was toying with becoming an
attorney to defend the maligned and disenfranchised. It was fun to win
arguments and I was good at it.
I spent the fall of my senior year
in Sweden. I saw things that stretched me and challenged me. I was taken
with the idea of becoming an urban planner because many things were well
thought out in Swedish society. I studied art and traveled in Scandinavia.
Going to Russia was a trip back then, but the most intense experience was
going beyond the wall to East Berlin. I was followed the whole time I was
there.
To graduate on schedule, I took a
heavy load. I was more than out of control and ended up arrested for DUI.
I was feeling guilty and I just wanted to hide. Amazingly, I finished
school, but I was a wreck.
I wasn’t sure where I was going.
I refused to go back home. I would not allow myself to just step back into
childhood, even though much of what I did seemed very childish. Then Phil
was there with the old idea, "Why don’t you go to Peachtree?"
I ran out of excuses and it was the only option for filling the summer. So
off to Atlanta I went.
It is striking how much getting a
job at a church improved my worship attendance. The four interns went to
both services every Sunday and had communion each time. My faith in God
was about like my hair color; it was there but it didn’t make much
difference.
The summer was based on the four of
us interns doing all sorts of ministry things to see if serving in the
church was the right career decision. I quickly realized that the only way
to get anything out the summer but boredom was to pretend that I was going
into the ministry and ask all the right questions. I sort of lived into
the experience. But everyone seemed to know that’s not where I would end
up.
Have you ever experienced reversed
psychology? That summer for
whatever reason, the message I received was that I could not make it in
seminary. It is too hard. No one said this but it felt like, "We
think the ministry is beyond you." My response was more-than-a-little
defiant, "I’ll show you," I thought.
My faith was still miniscule.
However, I did make a discovery. I was strongly motivated. I wanted to
help people. I wanted my life to make a difference in the lives of
others. I learned that summer teaching people to believe in Jesus was good
for them. Even when I wasn’t sure it was true, I knew it would help
others.
You see people need a purpose and
meaning in life. There must be something bigger than right here and right
now that organizes and gives direction. I saw how a person believing in
Jesus was happier and even healthier. It occurred to me, if I wanted to
help people have better lives then working in the church was the best
place. Rather than law or urban planning, preaching could make a bold
difference.
What happened, however, changed me.
In seminary, I starting studying the New Testament. My professors were
serious scholars. They applied the most severe and critical approaches to
the study of the ancient text. And what happened? God showed God’s self
alive and well on every page.
God stood up to me and all of my
doubts. God might as well have said, "I’m in here! Come find me,
Coward!" I am finding myself right now filled with joy all over again
as I tell you about this experience. God is very real and God wants you to
find him, too. This web site is designed to help you get connected with
others who are searching for God and longing to be found. Do you want an
encounter with God? It is here for you. Believe it or not, God loves you
and wants you to know it, big time.
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